been a while...

i've lost my voice.
i cannot form rhyme or verse, and speech becomes increasingly difficult. i can neither express my feelings in actions or words, nor can i analyze them in dreams or thoughts.
i feel...numb -- as though i no longer care for things i once imagined with such enthusiasm: being a scholarly student in college, having a career that perfectly matched my interests, living in a home that perfectly echoed my style, having a wife -- or at least a girlfriend -- who loved me as much as i loved her. in time, i prioritized these dreams, and the first one i tried to make a reality became the most farfetched.
my experience in love has altered everything about me, some for better, but most -- i feel -- for worse. i cannot explain how my first love originated, but i know that i cannot love again. i have been so low to have tried to forget that love, and have failed in doing so. once in a while, i look back and regret having felt that way, but am reminded that everything happens for a reason -- which brings me to my "alternate reality" concept.
if i were someone else, she might have loved me, but i'd not have felt the same for her. and from the emotions i've been through, i'd rather be in this reality than to be her unrequited love.