pre-script: as the title is meant to suggest, what follows addresses a very serious topic which i had initially meant to set forth here. indeed, it also sources the crisis of my previous post. with such repeated happenings as these, perhaps i should rename my blog to some-such as "the best-laid schemes of mice and men," which Robert Burns tells us "go oft awry." but if i could make one more plan and try to keep to it, it would be to finish this one by the tenth anniversary of that other post. what follows here is, as near as i can say, my testimony of faith.
"A mind is a terrible thing to waste."
-Forest Long
i have always been different; the polite word would be unique, and looking back on my forty years of living i can see that more and more without unduly charging the word positively or negatively. i have also never considered a time when i was not nominally Christian, which, in an evangelical church as i've attended since before birth, is not talked about. i'm...not sure but would like to assume that many of my considerations would have been talked about if i were one to open up and ask someone for guidance, but that is a loaded ordeal of itself. and rather than to use this current platform to explain why and how loaded it is, what i want you to see is that i have not sought personal counsel when the option seemed to always be there: not in church-matters, neither in school, nor at home, nor in online forums. only relatively recently have i heard of actual mentoring situations (previously only known to me through Hollywood, if i'm honest) within my church, which is biblically called discipleship; higher education taught me to ask questions, but i never sat down with guidance counselors (again, only learning that there even was one in my high school once i had already graduated); some of my peers (especially those at church) had better home lives where they could approach their parents for anything, some (at school) utilized life coaches, and still others (online) had worse ones than i and kept to regular meetings with therapists; and online communities--well...
i suppose sin does this to a person, makes one feel different, alone, even repulsed. truly, it makes us feel broken; everything else after that is our perspective, but the brokenness remains. and i responded to mine as many people do: denial and then community support. now...here is a point where i have to say both of these are bad (yes, that is how i feel), yet i also know that some people would instead respond with a despair which can drive them toward many worse feelings. both denial and despair are sinful responses, for our proper response is to grieve before God (II Cor 7.10), "and everything that does not come from faith is sin" (Rm 14.23). but, you'll say, "You're a Christian. Why didn't you make the proper response?" at this present juncture in my life, i do not think i was a Christian.
know that i am trying to be very selective with my words here (though, i am convinced that even so bold an effort on my part will ultimately not matter as much as i would like it to). that said, i'm also not saying something like, "Well, yes and no." Christian is too broad a term, but in the circle of church-life it is often synonymous with believer. for those outside the circle of church-life, "we" would distinguish "you" as nonbelievers, pagans, heathens, or simply worldly people; tableside labels might be unsaved, unreached, or lost; what "we" would not distinguish "you" as is sinners, oddly enough. now then, my use of the terms Christian and believer are vastly different than they were in past years, and i say "years" because at the time of this post, i've not yet been one for a full year. i plan to make more sense of this further down, but here i'm just defining that there is more to claiming the name than claiming the name (I Cor 5.11). and, solely because of how broadly the terms are used today, i am loath to claim it for myself. one of my idiosyncrasies is a refusal to apply common labels to myself; yet, as most people define and use these two italicized words, i use them now to see that i truly was not one then.
to instead apply more appropriate terms to my situation, i do not think i was saved or born again, and i certainly would not have called myself a follower of Jesus. in the gospel accounts, we read of many disciples of Jesus repenting of that occupation (Jn 6.64-66) as His teachings deepened in their implication (Jn 3.12). and when i was asked why, in past years, i was not living up to the calling one thought i had, i plainly answered that it was because i was being disobedient. and that is another term that i do not use lightly, because i used it as a cover for my sin--certainly not an excuse, but rather a concise means of addressing my slave-master. and "no one can serve two masters" (Mt 6.24, Lk 16.13).
now, when i say sin--since we're on the topic of definitions--my sin, my personal sin, from which i was saved in addition to our inherited sin (Rm 5.12), had crippled me for more than half of my life. and i have had respites where i'd "given up" on the particular sin that's plagued me, but i later repented of those moments and dug deeper into that sinful lifestyle (Lk 11.24-26). it was all, as Romans puts it, done in the flesh (7.18). but with this past summer came the moment--if i'm to understand that there is a moment when you fully trust in Jesus Christ. (i'm trying desperately to not write in "Christianese," so if you read something and "the church in you" glosses over my words because you know what it means, i'll just ask you this once: to re-read the phrase or clause at face-value, because that is how i am writing it.)
"It is more difficult for an American to become a real Christian than for a pagan. The pagan has no preconceived ideas of Christianity gained from watching church members. He comes to it brand new. The situation is in reverse with the American. He must unlearn much that he has believed and be re-educated before he can understand what Christian discipleship really is."
-Vance Havner
i do not think any testimony can be beneficial (Eph 4.29) without clearly stating one's sins, one's weaknesses; simultaneously, where honesty is the goal, explicit descriptions are not merely uncalled for, but they can easily serve the devil in causing weak brothers to stumble (I Cor 10.32), and i know this as well from experience: approval of practice within an echo chamber devoid of God's working Spirit can only destroy you (Prov 1.32, Rm 1.32). and that is where i denounce community, for that is what i found online which helped plunge me further into sinning than i could ever have gone by myself. and it is not only this online community which helped hurt me in this way, but the church community as well, the very people who are charged to keep their brothers (I Cor 8.9, Gal 6.2, Eph 5.21). granted, it is not to the same extent--but a little sin is still great sin (I Cor 5.6, Ja 2.10)--for the world outside acts on a great desire to replace God, while the one on the inside operates on the notion that it already knows God and yet it cannot unite on what it looks like to live like that were true. again, we're returning to that same loaded ordeal from earlier, but i think that i said it best in my post ten years ago:
"we all have our convictions in Christ, we're all struggling with something. but what we need is to be surrounded by a people aware of that fact, rather than a people unsupporting of it. and i have seen this among the Christian and the 'pagan' alike, but the former not only comes as greater surprise, it also causes the greater damage. to believe that another human has the right to speak louder to your heart than the Spirit who is residing there is a dangerous compromise."
"Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world."
-I John 4.1
i do not deny my sinful tendencies as a youth, but somewhere around fourth grade, my interest in sexual education began outside of school. we're not here at this point for me to tell you tales and rumors, to lay blame or explore possibilities, or to excuse my actions or interest, but my learning on the subject was privatized, and puberty would only serve to inflame it. from the start, i developed no social connection along with it: it was simply a sin of the mind, both fact and fantasy. debased thoughts became debased behaviors, a curious desire for more "knowledge" moved from book and body to search engines and scrambled television broadcasts, the uses of which required the raising of façades, pretense, deception. lies and alibis became more elaborate; premeditation and reason plotted out sins before they would be acted upon; every opportunity to be alone was most assuredly not spent innocently, and every minute within it was meticulously guarded.
i was not undiscovered, either. i am the youngest, and my family members were not stupid. but punishments only made me strive to be more stealthy, and i learned tricks within trades i cared nothing about. the cycle deepened 'til my foolish heart was darkened (Rm 1.21). i worshipped my own body and mind and the bodies of others, i exchanged natural lusts for unnatural, i had found strangers to chat with and to share in my depraved mind. i studied demonic myths and practices and tested them. i frequented websites where communities had existed for decades to discuss and draw and buy and sell photos and caricatures and videos and writings, and before long i took up residence in the gateway of Gomorrah to discuss and write and share stories of my own.
i embraced folly, but strangely held onto some morals (Eccl 2.3). i set limits for myself (such as not putting my money toward any of that), convinced that what i was doing was just in "good fun," harming no one--but myself. and of course, in the "real world" as The Matrix would see it, none of it existed. it was digital, coding, invisible to my physical peers and family members and church friends. but in private, i was still enjoying my idolatry, making more and more time for it even while i continued in the mundane track of societal living. where college life offered tangible opportunities to explore one's sexuality, i considered myself intangibly more depraved than anyone else and found no attraction toward the open lifestyles others acted on. i was content in my secret sin; and worse, everyone there knew me by my external religion, my reservedness, and my refusal to join their lifestyle (I Pt 4.4). indeed, for how lewd my writing had become by then, i didn't yet allow myself to type cuss words. i had come to the middle-ground of perversion.
"I am waitin' 'til I don't know when,
'Cause I'm sure it's gonna happen then.
Time keeps creepin' through the neighborhood,
Killing old folks, wakin' up babies, just like we knew it would....
It's not a lover I want no more,
And it's not heaven I'm pining for,
But there's some spirit I used to know
That's been drowned out by the radio.
They say a watched pot won't ever boil.
You can't raise a baby on motor oil.
Just like a seed down in the soil,
You gotta give it time."
-Arcade Fire, Neighborhood #4 (7 Kettles)
my residences within the online world had gone through self-imposed blackouts now and again, often brought on by the deaths of relatives, as though some Spirit were striving alongside me throughout my life and throwing pebbles at my window to get my attention. i had briefly listened once by way of a college retreat, where, for the first time in Christendom, i heard a teacher address the topic of masturbation. i can't remember a specific result of that, but another college retreat had compelled me to dedicate my life to God, however strange it'd felt to talk about the decision when at my home church. but it wasn't permanent; as long as it had lasted, i eventually fell into the temptation to return to my fling of depravity, and to start again from scratch, as it were. by the time i graduated and joined the work force, i had much more time to devote to my gods, and greater opportunity by way of a personal computer at my desk job, as well as another at home. though i have avoided the tether of smart devices, i was a well-oiled machine with as much potential as the alternative. and when, once, i was seriously contemplating melding my two worlds by way of setting a meeting with one whom i had shared chat privileges with, God threw a wrench at my window instead; to turn a sad story around, i'm now married to the one God gave me--from a circle unrelated and many times more innocent--in an otherwise similar manner. though our relationship was not pure from its beginnings, and i tried to use it to meld those worlds anyway. i won't discuss what logic i used, for i was perverted enough to reason away anything that i did at that point in my life. but my relation to God began to be affected now that i had a social creature in reality to connect with.
"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth."
-Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde
whereas physical deaths of friends and family members were usually immense wake-up calls for me, the social loss of my best friend and brother is what started me back into my old patterns, only this time i considered myself there to stay. i used to be strong about remaining anonymous, keeping walls in place, but now i steadily removed boundaries and limits. now, i was more social online, perhaps even relatable. and now that i was no longer a virgin, my writing was no longer purely fantasy. i even typed cusses and made friends. i put my money toward them; i purchased art for myself and began to study drawing it; i even shared personal information. sometimes, in my struggle, i'd convince myself that i was there to be a light, because sometimes, people did need someone to talk to about honest issues. i associated my persona with a bible verse. i even met another Christian through that venue...though, God was most assuredly not there. He was not defending me, for i was not defending Him. i had been given over to Satan to do what ought not to be done, acts which are to my shame as well as His (Eph 5.12). all of my plans to somehow mix goodness into what i was doing turned sour in my hands. the only boundary i ended up keeping was never mentioning God, neither taking His Name in vain nor presenting it in Truth. and where i couldn't cry about it then, the memory of it now crushes my soul. how wicked, how foul i had become (Rm 7.24). my immorality worsened into debauchery, i denied my mind's eye no desire (Eccl 2.10a), and even physical desires gave birth to profligate acts. i gave myself mental anguish, i fell into anxieties and depressive moods and often cried myself to sleep, i hurt myself because i was convinced that it is what i liked--that it is who i was. in the real world and the digital, i believed that if i could somehow be a worse sinner than someone else,...
i don't know. it is utter folly now. my mind had wasted away, tender enough to accept many lies, some from which i am still healing. but for all of this...history, it is not who i am...any longer (II Cor 5.16-19).
"Therefore, since Christ suffered in His body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin. As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God."
-I Peter 4.1-2
"The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature."
-Romans 13.12-14
"Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit."
"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature."
-Galatians 5.24-25; 5.16
"Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit."
-Ephesians 5.18
the crisis of my faith had little to do with my sin, such that, looking back, it was perhaps a misnomer to tack that on there. it was simply a crisis of my life, and extends in some way today. but God used it to pull me from my sin. it wore upon my mind and heart; it interrupted my curious case of selfless selfishness. it wasn't so much what happened that bothered me; it was the responses to what happened. these continue today, and so these still bother me, but i was so deep into my sin that this crisis shocked me from it. it was not immediate, however. from my perspective, it was like any other event: the death of my uncle, the loss of my friend, 9/11 or my near-death feeling from Covid. but like defibrillator pulses, God kept chiseling through the callous i'd formed around my sin. i kept at it despite the layers falling off all around me--lost friendships, ghosting behaviors, silent treatment, social disconnect, slander--until the death of a coworker confoundingly broke me.
my friend, who is at the center of that crisis, called me to his company, knowing not what had happened that day. instead, his desire was that i should pray for him on his trip. innocent as it was, God used this call, this moment, to flake away the last piece of my past. even now, i am overwhelmed by grace to recall it. for, i was not a pray-er. where once, i had excused myself as one who simply prayed silently, and long before that as one who prayed continually, in that moment and for several years prior, i did not pray. i had turned my back to God. oh, i went to church every week, and i went to bible study every Tuesday for all of those years that i sat in the counsel of the wicked on a nightly basis. but the same part of me that refused to say God's Name in vain also refused to speak on any verse that would simultaneously convict my heart of its lusting sin (Rm 2.22-24).
was that my flesh? or was that the Spirit? i lean toward the former. for the suffering that i had been through in the body is not what Peter was talking about. we partake in Christ's suffering on the cross, the wages of our sins becoming His death; the gift of His resurrection then becomes our life (Rm 6.2-7). but my suffering? that was done in my flesh, for my sin. what i wanted, what i desired following that impromptu evening, was to exchange my suffering for my sin for His suffering for doing His good (I Pt 3.17-18). and i talked to God that night, knowing the prison cell i had made for myself and fully expecting to sit in it again when i'd return home later. there was no asking Him into my heart--those words i'd heard repeated every Sunday for as long as i could remember. just honesty: acknowledgment of sinning against Him and finally surrendering to His desires for me (Jer 29.11) rather than my desires for me. it wasn't vocal, it wasn't thought out, it wasn't planned or even purposed; i didn't even expect anything of it. but i am not lying when i say it worked, and i do not word it that way to suggest prescription--only that He did as He'd always promised He would (Ps 3.4, 18.3, 34.4, 40.1-3).
i didn't mention it to my friend, for months, until i was so sure of my new reality that i needed to let him share in rejoicing with me (Gal 6.6). but i went home silently promising that i would, in fact, pray for him every day he was gone. and the moment i got home, i began the demolition of my stronghold of sin: i deleted gigabytes of files without a second glance, i removed site-histories and closed chat programs never to return, i deleted online accounts without warning, i discarded physical temptations and cleaned house. over time, i'd refocus and remove more things which i'd forgotten about. and i could not have had the strength to do it so finally without God's Spirit working within me, because these chores were not all that came out of my prayer. i admit, i have tested Him as Gideon had [as if just to be sure it wasn't a dream, but there does come a point where questioning out of doubt is just insulting (Jn 20.27)], but God removed from me my sinful desires. i wasn't aware of it at the time, but in an instant He'd renewed my mind (Rm 12.2), replaced my heart (Eze 36.26). i also experienced drunkenness for the first time, from the smallest amount of alcohol. that may be neither here nor there to you, but for me, i am glad to obey God's directive for my life. i have such love for His law that i wish i could memorize and recite Psalm 119 on a moment's notice, but that is beyond me.
just as Paul had a thorn to keep him in constant remembrance of God's grace for him, i find now that i can only live by His Word (Mt 4.4), that i can only stand firm against the wiles of the devil through self-control and dependence (I Pt 5.6-11). if i have a tempting thought or foul memory surfacing in my head, i must immediately take it to God in prayer (II Cor 10.5). and i cannot but help to bring to prayer my brothers (Jn 17.15) who suffer from these oftentimes-debilitating temptations--by name and religiously--and to make time for doing so. i find that, if i do not pray, demons and mockers are pleased to come accusing, bringing lies and anxiety and doubt, but in the moment i do, they are bidden to flee. it is a day-by-day faith, we're called to, and the day when i was saved feels literally as though it were yesterday. i have never, in the forty years of my wandering (Dt 8.2), been so confident of my salvation, nor so willing to live the rest of my earthly life for Him (I Pt 4.2) despite what others may say, nor so able (Dt 30.11-14) by His Spirit (Rm 8.2).
i finally have a Guidance Counselor (Jn 14.16-17, 26-27). He is the LORD (Jer 29.12-13), and He is mighty to save (Mt 1.21-23).
"I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name."
-Edward Mote, The Immutable Basis of a Sinner's Hope
"O to grace, how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!"
-Robert Robinson, Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
i could not love God's people while in the place of my sin (Rm 8.8), and only God's Spirit has empowered me to stay out of it (Rm 8.9). neither hearing the gospel, nor praying to God, nor learning the meanings of words, nor communities of contemporaries--when i awoke to God's call in sincere sobriety (Eph 5.14), He responded to my contrition with power. and daily, may i never take that for granted (Ps 34.1-22).
in memoriam: V.A.D.S. 03-19-26
post-script: i have heard it said that testimonies-of-faith should have more, if not all, focus upon the "new" over the "old," but as anything spiritual teaches us, quantity does not determine strength. the man born blind testified to them in equal parts (Jn 9.25). Paul's testimonies (Acts 22, Acts 26, Gal 1, Php 3) boast in weakness; that is, he was not ashamed to admit how gravely he needed Christ (I Tim 1.13, 15-16). so it is, that the gospel, as powerful as it is, is perfected by a story of insufficience (II Cor 12.9), and grace means nothing without sin (Rm 3.23-24, 5.21).
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